How the Signs of Self Hate Deepens Our Understanding of Self Love

How the Signs of Self Hate

Deepens Our Understanding of Self Love

SELF HATE isn’t your typical coffee-table topic.

Maybe it’s a Red Table Talk type of topic, but not something we tend to bring out in casual conversations. But the thing about deep topics is that they allow you to take a courageous step on the path to truly understanding SELF LOVE. The origins of our need to do better are often born out of our stories of SELF HATE.

As a Transformational Coach, I’ve seen breakthroughs happen within myself as well as my clients when even just a little bit of exploration of shadow parts occurs. Because we are whole people, meaning made up of many parts of our personalities, life experiences, and past stories, we don’t have access to our highest potential if we don’t spend the time understanding shadow parts such as self hate that are usually hidden deep within our psyche . We just continue on having missing pieces.

Self Hate is often referred to as one of our Shadow Parts because they are the parts of us that live in the depths and darkness of our
shame, guilt, judgement, and self criticism. Shadows don’t come out because it’s usually not safe to do so, none the less, they are there when light is present.

What I’ve come to learn and realize in the profoundness of this transformational journey, is that by better understanding the ORIGINS of my shadows like SELF HATE, we

• acknowledge that they are an actual PART of us, but NOT WHO WE ARE in our wholeness. In other words they may come from something else outside of us and are not of our truest, most highest vibration, or true SELF

• can explore our dark sides safely for the opportunity to NAME IT (our specific dark sides), or call it what it is. Because when we’re able to name what something is, its gives us access to the next step or action we need to take with it in order to work on ourselves

• can understand our WHOLE SELF, not just the good parts, without judgement, criticism, or retaliation. And that can be liberating! It is in this freedom that allows us to SURRENDER to who we truly need to be in this world

So how did self hate show up for me?

Well, as a second generation, dark skinned Pinay life hasn’t been the most enjoyable or empowering experience. Not until most recently, thanks, Entrepinays! What it has been is a deep and serendipitous journey. At a certain point in my leadership development I felt stifled by all the bad things that happened to me. I kept coming back to my thoughts of self-depreciation, especially after I gave a presentation about my career path. The feedback I received from a colleague afterwards was that I was using a lot of self-depreciating language. I felt really sad and embarrassed by it, which probably didn’t help.

You see, up until that point I was focusing on all the negative outcomes in my career. The not finishing grad school, the layoffs, the ways in which I didn’t fit in the normalized career path. And my presentation would stop there. I didn’t talk about what each of those experiences taught me, what beauty they led me to. Probably because I wasn’t recognizing them at the time. So, what the feedback from my colleague offered me was a prompt for me to really question why those were my choice of words, why were those choices my tendencies? (Notice the shift I invited in; from WHY to HOW)

Breaking through these tendencies didn’t happen quickly thought. It’s been many, many years of processing, seeking guidance, professional development trainings, relationship fails that have brought me more awareness about how and why I feel the way I do about myself. When it comes down to it, the critical piece for me is to get down to the ROOT CAUSE of our shadows and do the work from there.

When tracing behind me, then back, then further back into my history
the origins begin to shed light on what BIRTHED MY SELF HATE

L-R: Dad, Mom, Me

For me it was about the family I grew up in. I come from an upbringing that comes from a culture of self hate. (Not uncommon for people who have a history of colonization and displacement, btw)

So in my experience,

• growing up dark skinned, I was affectionately called Black Beauty, not really understanding why I even needed to have a name emphasizing my different skin tone from the rest of my family

• I was expected to do well in school, make the grades, get a good and stable job, have a happy family and kids in suburban comforts and luxuries

• I wasn’t supposed to be too vocal about things or, “rock the boat”. My mom would say, “Well, that’s just the way it is. They [white people] are like that”

• I also was less celebrated, championed, and allowed to socialize in comparison to my older brother

For all of these points above, my inner voice understood me to be the exact opposite of the expectations. So in all the moments that I had relationships with diverse friends and lovers, was mediocre in school, didn’t land a stable or cush job situation or family, constantly rocked the boat in politics and work, celebrate myself…I began to silently hate myself for not being what was expected of me.

When it came to being in relationship with my family of origin, who have adopted the cultural norms of self hate, my subconscious began to believe that I was inadequate, disappointing, too loud, too this and that. And I began to believe that for myself and allow the bad relationships, job layoffs, and lack of confidence convince me that this is my reality; that this is the disappointment I came out to be. So much so, that when I presented my story to groups, that’s how I would talk about myself.

So now in the throws of my self healing journey and development of my nature-based practice, I know for sure, that IT IS NOT in our true nature to hate ourselves. But what is in our nature is CURIOSITY. So, I began asking and searching and tuning into my inner wisdom and gathering resources. And in that process I found where that sadness came from and found a lot of heartbreak in being reminded that the origins are a far more bigger force than in my immediate family. The act of hating on oneself was associated with the linear function and heirarchy that deems white and male as supreme in this world. It was that force that took away our understanding of self love and self pride in order to control the human mind for development and growth on land.

As the author and Filipino traditional healer of, “Way of the Ancient Healer”, Virgil Apostol puts it,

“…to restore our “pride of identity” means to respect who and what we are and where we come from, and to embrace and promote our fading traditions, which other cultures are both hungry and searching for.”

This book validated self hate to be a thing in my culture so engrained in our psyche that

“Ironically, it is usually when our Filipino traditions are practiced by foreigners that we remove our masks of share and claim these traditions as our own.”

Of coarse, there were more ways than one that validated self hate as a part of a bigger system. AND knowing that also allowed be to refocus my thoughts and actions for change to be one of my own journey. I was able to let go of the blame onto my family, onto certain individuals for shaping my world in whatever way I gave them consent. I took ownership of my own healing.

So, in order to restore my pride and identity, I started asking more intentionally, “Who am I, who are my people, and where do I come from?”

I became selfish and unapologetic about it. It’s where the Audre Lorde guidance comes from

“Caring for myself is not self indulgence. It is self preservation. And that is an act of political warfare”

Today, I’m more able to recognize different ways that SELF HATE can show up in my everyday life. But getting to SELF LOVE is definitely NOT a rose colored path and what often shows up as a road block can take the form of

• self sabotage

• undervaluing of myself in my work and language

• tendency to feel imposter syndrome

• the lack of boundaries and saying “no”

But since I know more about where these parts of me may be coming from, I can explore old stories, narratives, tactics, skills, reflections, and self-healing practices that help me move through these quicker. I appreciate these road blocks because they’re the triggers that come up, letting me know that there are parts within myself that need some sort of working out. They’re showing up needing some sort of process to help me move through them.

And honestly, it may sound cliche, but I really do believe it is SELF LOVE that will liberate us from the grasps of our SELF HATE.

“Letting love through us makes us the path love takes”

— David Richo, How to be an Adult in Relationships

If you’ve ever felt the grips of self hate, you could start transforming it into self love by asking the same questions I asked myself long ago:

1. What’s causing me to do/say things that diminish me? Where did it come from?

2. Was this self hate something I learned from another?

3. When exactly did I begin believing this about myself?

4. What other influences around me reinforce or convince me about my self hate?

5. How do I want to view myself, if it is not in a hateful way?

6. Who can I call on to provide me gentle and loving support to work through my self hate and arrive to self love?

Get curious (instead of judgmental) about yourself and your life story.

Be open and accepting that there are things that cannot be re-written, but can be re-visited with a stronger sense of Self and compassion!

If you’ve enjoyed this post and would like to know more about moving through your Shadow Parts, book a quick consultation with me below to embark on your transformative journey!

Click below to check out the recent feature on Outside Magazine!

When My Dreams Started Coming True

I don't really speak openly to too many people about my lucid dreams, although they've been a significant part of why I'm here doing the work I do.

While exploring my spiritual identity, I was seeing a spiritual healer and going to therapy. I would say at that time in my life, I really needed both types of support to help me through both personal and professional challenges. Naturally, I thought I should bring up dreams during sessions because they were just so intense. Little did I know they were messages guiding me towards my path.

Take for instance this featured photo. I took this picture at Point Reyes, on the Tomales Point Trail earlier this month. I had the dream about this place about 8 months before I actually hiked it. So when I get there, I decided to take the photo exactly how I remember seeing this trail in my dream.

I knew it was this location I dreamt about because of the distinct cliff sides on either side of the trail. In the dream my feet weren't exactly planted on the ground. I was flying over the point seeing people happily enjoying their time on the beach (probably Stinson Beach) on a hot and sunny day. I was also with a group of women walking back towards the trailhead at the end of a long hike. Of coarse, at the time I had the dream I had no idea this was an actual real place. I just knew I went to this amazing location, with women, on a very gorgeous an joyous day. And I FELT like it was near.

So here's where this summer dream comes true this winter: Not knowing much about Point Reyes area, one of my dear friends requests that I lead a group of women for a healing hike several miles North of Point Reyes as a part of their retreat. Going about my usual planning process, I look up trails in the area and find recognizable pictures of Tomales Point. Bingo! "I've been there before"

Now, that's just one simple example of how one of my dreams materializes into my real-awake conscious life. And you can probably say that was meant to be that I be there and lead a hike with the women. But this happens to me often and with dreams that are much more vivid and intense in situation. 

Earlier, when my spiritual awareness was just waking up, I would feel so overwhelmed by the dreams and the intensity of my experience that it would really spook me out. I would wake up with such clear, intense emotional residual from being in the dream that I couldn't help but write it down or share it with my partner, and reflect deeply on why that came to me.

I remember having an intense dream while I was working with adjudicated youth. I was also questioning why I loved the challenging work so much because I was torn about leaving my students. In this dream, I was with my students at a near by beach, when an old indigenous man walked slowly up onto the shore of a lagoon, pushing onto the shore, a mummified young boy on a rafter. He had been shot. As this man stopped on the shore, he looked me square in the eyes with such intensity, non-verbally telling me to "look at what's happening to them". Then I woke up. 

That intensity is why I actively sought out council and guidance. And that guidance really put things into perspective for me, affirming for me that the ancestors are speaking to me, guiding me, and showing me messages I need to see, process, and connect to what I'm doing here on Earth. The guidance also helped me realize that the communication IS TRUE and a gift I should hold with reverence. Now, I live in more confidence with my dreams and reflect on them with more discipline and awareness that there's a deeper message available for my spirit to guide me through this real-awake-conscious life.   

My dreams are really just extensions of who I am and how I'm walking in this world in communication with the ancestors and The Divine.

Why share this with you now? I truly, truly believe that we as a society are hungry for spiritual connection. In times where we're experiencing extremes in dualities, ideologies, violence, climate, we're facing the options of spirituality to find our answers, or to find our calm center, to stay grounded and not lose hope or faith. I live as that example to surrender to anything your spirit is guiding you towards. Because it's the magic our souls are crying for these days and the magic our ancestors are looking for us to RECLAIM.

The dreams I have and me sharing what it means for me to experience my dreams is my way of validating that our thoughts, believed to be abstract, are REAL.

Pay attention to them and how they show up in you because I know they are ways in which your true gifts are showing. 

Do you know how your gifts are showing up in your life? I'm curious!

Share with me your thoughts, questions, curiosities in your spiritual connection and drop a comment below!

The Rise & Fall of the Sun

We lay witness to the days that have come before us and act upon creating what we need ahead of us. As the sun rises to birth a new day, it also sets- carrying all that we have endured throughout the day. Find space in this process to focus on what brings you peace.

Since the launch of this business, I've been organizing weekly healing hikes for community to participate in. The act of my organizing hikes with an intention of offering a coaching and healing session was in direct response to the devastating results of our election. That's why they are called healing hikes, and not just "a guided hike".

I, myself experienced in my family and community the worry, fear, uncertainty, and disappointment that would later linger on for the next few days as the collective trauma our country was experiencing. It was in these raw moments where I gathered my most recent thoughts and plans to develop pathways to healing in nature. Then I got the message. It was time for me to act; no more planning and contemplating, no more thinking. I saw a friend post a yoga session in response to the election. That was my cue; my community needs an opportunity to heal and I can provide that. I quickly organized a sunrise hike in a nearby park location and blasted close friends to meet me at the trailhead.

Six people showed up as the sun began rising! As we all gathered in this rawness we asked Nature to be there for us, to heal us. In gratitude, we grounded ourselves, walked the trail intent on feeling better afterwards, WE DID THE WORK! The coming weeks would bring more healing hikes, some of them during the sunset; all were needed by each hiker. Here is where I recognized the birth of my abilities to lead these hikes to heal community.

The rise and fall of the sun is like the fire that sits within our hearts, rising with the passion and struggle we've held as a community of color for so long. And the falling of the sun into the night is the fall of those old destructive ways, negativities, and endurances in life that leave us taxed, damaged, sometimes dead.

The beauty of our fire, now ignited in full flame, was the organizing that happened right after the election. ALL the people, ALL the youth that came out in protest. That is our fire, our passion to be better people. Each day the fire became brighter, the groups of protestors grew larger. Solidarity was seen across the nation.

And as the sun sets in its natural process we must accept it. The end of the day, the darkness that prepares us for rest is honored by witnessing the winter sky turn from white to fiery red at sunset. In these moments we accept the change and ask the falling of the sun to take with it the things that no longer serve us. Sunset hikes are those opportunities to release our burdens. With respect to our current events, I view sunsets as the taking down of those destructive and negative mindsets and values that have have hurt us for far too long.

Just like we do on these hikes, we work to reclaim this communication and connection to Nature. We learn and relearn how these offerings can support our well being in these challenging times. Watch the sun rise and fall and pay attention to the messages that come to you.